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Fun Things To Do at the Mall:

  1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
  2. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
  3. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
  4. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
  5. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
  6. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
  7. Sprint up the down escalator.
  8. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
  9. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
  10. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
  11. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
  12. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell." Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
  13. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
  14. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
  15. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
  16. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
  17. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap "made out of straw."
We don't suggest that you actually do any of this stuff, but if you do PLEASE Email Us and tell us how it went. This page is located at Pile -O- Junk <>