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From the FutureTech Collection

Ways to Annoy your Roommate

  1. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
  2. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
  3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
  4. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
  5. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
  6. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
  7. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man/woman to find.
  8. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
  9. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
  10. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
  11. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
  12. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
  13. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
  14. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
  15. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
  16. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
  17. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
  18. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
  19. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
  20. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
  21. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
  22. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
  23. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
  24. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
  25. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
  26. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
  27. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
  28. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
  29. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
  30. Twitch a lot.
  31. Talk while pretending to be asleep.
  32. Become a subgenius.
  33. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
  34. Walk and talk backwards.
  35. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
  36. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
  37. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "Star Wars", "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
  38. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
  39. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
  40. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
  41. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
  42. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
  43. Eat glass.
  44. Smile. All the time.
  45. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
  46. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
  47. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
  48. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
  49. Paste boogers on the windows in patterns.
  50. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
  51. Dye all your underwear lime green.
  52. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
  53. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
  54. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
  55. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
  56. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.
  57. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
  58. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
  59. Shave off one of your roommate's eyebrows. Comment repeatedly on how it makes him/her look younger.
  60. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
  61. Put horseradish in your shoes.
  62. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
  63. Always flush the toilet three times.
  64. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
  65. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
  66. Give him/her an allowance.
  67. Listen to radio static.
  68. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
  69. Cry a lot.
  70. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's e-mail.
  71. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
  72. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
  73. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
  74. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed..
  75. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
  76. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
  77. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
  78. Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
  79. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
  80. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
  81. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
  82. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
  83. Follow him/her around on weekends.
  84. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
  85. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
  86. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
  87. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
  88. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
  89. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
  90. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
  91. Let mice loose in his/her room.
  92. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
  93. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
  94. Skip to the bathroom.
  95. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
  96. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
  97. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
  98. Whenever you're on the phone and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes, then call whoever it was back.
  99. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
  100. Eat moths.
  101. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
  102. Collect Chia Pets.
  103. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
  104. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
  105. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
  106. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
  107. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
  108. Don't ever flush.
  109. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
  110. Dress in drag.
  111. Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."
  112. Plant grass in the carpet and scream at your roommate every time s/he takes a step in the room. Put up a "please don't walk on the grass" sign.
  113. Give your roommate's clothes to the Salvation Army.
  114. Pretend to shower often but only wash your hair in the sink. See how long it takes your roommate to notice.
  115. Read lots of science fiction and begin to act as though you think your roommate is an alien in disguise. Jump on him/her and try to rip off the humanoid mask the alien is wearing.
  116. Invite a homeless person to live in your room and sleep in your roommate's bed.
  117. Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.
  118. Sleep face down under your mattress on a bunkbed and stare at your roommate all night through the springs.
  119. Wear ammonia as a cologne.
  120. Whenever your roommate goes to sleep, wake up.
  121. Whenever your roommate wakes up, go to sleep.
  122. Have really weird friends who have strange loud conversations. Whenever your roommate walks in, you all be quiet and stare at him/her until s/he leaves.
  123. Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.
  124. Nail boards across your window. When your roommate asks why, tell him/her you know they're all watching you.
  125. Start a scab collection. Keep it in a locked glass case on your desk. Tell your roommate that you know s/he was looking for the key.
  126. Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.
  127. Throw blood on your roommate when s/he is wearing a coat and shout, "Animal killer!"
  128. Get a friend to leave a phone message for you with your roommate, saying the test results came back positive. When your roommate tells you, cough, faint, and then refuse to discuss it.
  129. Laugh a lot in the morning. Tell your roommate to be happy all the time.
  130. Set your alarm clock for three o'clock. Push the doze button every 5 minutes when it beeps for the next five hours, each time telling your roommate that you'll wake up in five minutes.
  131. Learn the words to all your roommate's favorite songs. Sing along.
  132. Learn to play an accordion.
  133. Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.
  134. Whenever your roommate gets clothes back from the laundry, hide them. Then wear some every day until you have removed all the stolen clothes from hiding and they are all now dirty. Ask your roommate to wash them again.
  135. Learn a lot of quotations. Whenever you talk to your roommate, say nothing but quotes for three weeks.
  136. Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Bob (the iguana).
  137. Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species.
  138. Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.
  139. Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.
  140. When your roommate is typing, type on your keyboard in synchronization.
  141. Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room.
  142. Order five anchovy pizzas in your roommate's name. When the deliverer arrives, tell them that your roommate likes to play jokes on the pizza place and then your roommate lies about his/her ordering. Tell them where s/he is.
  143. Put in your contacts when you go to bed. Scream in agony as you rip them from your bloody eyelids in the morning. Put them in again that night. Complain to your roommate that you just can't see a darned thing anymore.
  144. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If s/he asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
  145. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while s/he is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
  146. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
  147. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
  148. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
  149. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
  150. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
  151. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that s/he do the same.
  152. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
  153. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
  154. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
  155. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
  156. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
  157. Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
  158. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
  159. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
  160. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."
  161. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
  162. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
  163. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
  164. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
  165. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
  166. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.
  167. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
  168. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
  169. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that s/he hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
  170. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry..
  171. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
  172. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
  173. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.

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